Self-Worth & Shame Patterns
Approval chasing
Adjusting your behavior to earn praise, reassurance, attention, or acceptance.
Reviewed by licensed therapists
What it is
Approval chasing is when you start shaping your choices, personality, opinions, appearance, work, or emotional expression around what will get a positive response. It can be subtle: saying what sounds impressive, softening your needs, performing competence, being extra agreeable, posting for reaction, or scanning for signs that you’re liked. The pattern often comes from a real desire for connection, but it can pull you away from your authentic self. Over time, you may get approval and still feel unseen because what’s being approved isn’t the real you.
Additional resources to explore: ACT can help because it focuses on values-based action rather than approval-based action. CBT can help challenge fears like “If I’m not impressive, I’ll be rejected.” Attachment-informed or relational therapy may help if approval chasing is tied to fear of abandonment or early experiences of conditional acceptance.
Tips / how to work on it
Start by noticing the moment you shift from expressing to performing. Ask, “What would I say or choose if I weren’t trying to manage their reaction?” You don’t have to act on that answer immediately, but it gives you information. Practice small moments of honest preference: choosing what you actually want, disagreeing gently, recognizing that you don’t need to over-explain, or letting a silence exist without filling it with likability.
A useful exercise: use an approval audit. After a social interaction, decision, or post, ask: What was genuine? What was adjusted for approval? What did I abandon to be liked? Choose one small area where you can be 5% more honest next time.
More reading
Educational, not diagnostic.