Should-statements

What is it?

Should-statements are internal rules about how you’re supposed to feel, act, perform, want, or cope. They often sound like “I should be over this,” “I shouldn’t need help,” “I should be more successful by now,” or “I should be able to handle this.” These thoughts can create guilt and shame because they compare your actual experience to an idealized standard. Sometimes a “should” points to a real value, but often it turns that value into punishment.

How do people work on it?

When you hear a “should,” translate it into either a value or a choice. Ask, “Do I actually believe this, or did I inherit it?” “What value is underneath this?” “What would be a kinder, more useful version?” For example, “I should be productive all the time” might become “I value follow-through, and I also need rest to function.”

A useful exercise: use a should-to-choice rewrite. Change “I should” to “I want,” “I choose,” “I value,” or “It would help me to.” If the sentence no longer feels true after that rewrite, the “should” may be more about pressure than genuine desire.

Additional resources to explore: CBT can help soften rigid rules and test whether they’re realistic. ACT is especially useful for separating values from rules, so you can act from what matters instead of from shame or pressure.