Repair avoidance

What is it?

Repair avoidance is when you move past conflict without actually repairing it. You might act normal, distract, wait for time to pass, make a joke, change the subject, or assume the issue will fade. Sometimes cooling off is useful, but repair avoidance leaves the emotional rupture unresolved. The relationship may look fine on the surface while trust, warmth, or safety quietly erodes. Repair usually requires vulnerability: acknowledging impact, clarifying intent, apologizing where needed, asking what would help, and making a different plan.

How do people work on it?

Keep repair simple and specific. You don’t need a perfect speech. Start with: “I don’t want us to just move past this without understanding it.” Then name one piece you can own and one thing you want to understand. Good repair is not self-humiliation, and it’s not proving who was right. It’s rebuilding enough safety to continue.

A useful exercise: use a repair script: “I’ve been thinking about what happened. I can see that my part was ___. I imagine that may have made you feel ___. I’m sorry for ___. Next time I’ll try ___. Is there anything you need me to understand?” Adjust depending on the situation, but keep it concrete.

Additional resources to explore: Gottman-informed relationship work often emphasizes repair attempts as an important part of healthy conflict. DBT interpersonal effectiveness can help you repair while maintaining self-respect. Couples therapy can help if repair attempts repeatedly fail or turn into another fight.