Difficulty self-soothing

What is it?

Difficulty self-soothing means that once your nervous system is activated, it’s hard to come back down. You may need another person, reassurance, distraction, food, scrolling, sleep, substances, or immediate resolution to feel okay again. Co-regulation with other people is normal and healthy, but problems start when you have very few ways to help your own system settle. Self-soothing isn’t about pretending you’re fine. It’s about giving your body enough safety signals that you can think, choose, and recover.

How do people work on it?

Build a short list of soothing actions that work through the body, not just the mind. Try slow exhale breathing, a warm shower, weighted blanket, cold water on the face, stretching, walking, calming music, dim light, unclenching your jaw, or putting one hand on your chest. Don’t wait until you’re at a 10/10 to practice. Self-soothing works better when it’s rehearsed at lower intensity.

A useful exercise: create a regulation menu. Make three categories: body, environment, and connection. Under body, list things like breathing, movement, warmth, cold, food, or rest. Under environment, list lower light, less noise, cleaning one small area, or leaving the room. Under connection, list texting a safe person, asking for a hug, or sitting near someone. Use the menu before you’re too activated to think.

Additional resources to explore: DBT self-soothing and distress tolerance skills can be directly relevant. NHS breathing guidance recommends slow, gentle breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, often counting steadily, for several minutes to reduce stress activation. Somatic therapy or trauma-informed support may help if calming down feels impossible or unsafe in your body.