Approval chasing

What is it?

Approval chasing is when you start shaping your choices, personality, opinions, appearance, work, or emotional expression around what will get a positive response. It can be subtle: saying what sounds impressive, softening your needs, performing competence, being extra agreeable, posting for reaction, or scanning for signs that you’re liked. The pattern often comes from a real desire for connection, but it can pull you away from authenticity. Over time, you may get approval and still feel unseen because what’s being approved is the version of you that’s performing.

How do people work on it?

Start by noticing the moment you shift from expressing to performing. Ask, “What would I say or choose if I weren’t trying to manage their reaction?” You don’t have to act on that answer immediately, but it gives you information. Practice small moments of honest preference: choosing what you actually want, disagreeing gently, not over-explaining, or letting a silence exist without filling it with likability.

A useful exercise: use an approval audit. After a social interaction, decision, or post, ask: What was genuine? What was adjusted for approval? What did I abandon to be liked? Choose one small area where you can be 5% more honest next time.

Additional resources to explore: ACT can help because it focuses on values-based action rather than approval-based action. CBT can help challenge fears like “If I’m not impressive, I’ll be rejected.” Attachment-informed or relational therapy may help if approval chasing is tied to fear of abandonment or early experiences of conditional acceptance.